PHOTO by Luke GramWelcome to the all new Modern-Eve.com! This change has been a long time coming and I feel an immense sigh of relief and joy that it is now here. Not that the design process was full of headaches or that my developer kept extending the timeline. No, I am exhaling a deep, satisfied breath because for the first time in a long time I feel hope for congruence.
I have been blogging for almost seven years, some seasons more consistently than others. Either way, that’s an eternity in this field. As I reflect back over that time, I find myself naively surprised at how much has changed. But it’s not the circumstances that amaze me. If you’d asked me seven years ago where I thought I’d be – with family, in business, financially – today, my hypothesis likely would not have been that far off. The trajectory of my external circumstances doesn’t feel off course. Rather, it’s my inner being that shocks me the most. It’s the way I’m interpreting those circumstances and my feelings and choices associated with them that brings the confusion. We think we’ll always be the same person, but we’re not.
I look at photographs of my former self and I have a hard time remembering her. I can recall circumstantial details and even occasional strong emotion, but I don’t identify with my former values. I don’t understand how someone could respond that way, chose that path or reject that option. Yet, that someone was me.
We think we’ll always be the same person, but we’re not.
My values and priorities–the very truths and standards I base my judgments and decisions on–have changed. And not just slightly. Over the course of several years they’ve been slowly evolving, shifting, and in some cases even, downright flipping over 180 degrees.
This is true for superficial things like trading in a bright, colorful wardrobe for a rack of neutrals. It’s also true for things that are perhaps more important, such as a newfound interest in healthy eating, physical exertion and connection to nature. And it’s most definitely true of my spiritual life, with a renewed focus on my individual and deeply personal relationship with God, the person of Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, and a new awareness of the plague of performance-based Christianity and self-righteous attitudes, of which I also struggle.
And while I’m more content and hopeful than I’ve ever been, it’s also terrifying.
I’ve spent 31 years, a lifetime, trying to discover myself. I’ve built connections and relationships based on a person I no longer know. I’ve publicly proclaimed things I no longer believe. I’ve pursued people based on like-minded interests I no longer have. And, perhaps the most difficult part of all, I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to become known by others, only now to not identify with the person they’ve come to “know”.
And because I myself still am (and will always be) in process, I have yet to arrive at any fully resolved conclusions. I’m still assessing my values. I’m still questioning my beliefs. And in a world that loves to classify and label, it’s, quite honestly, a pretty lonely place to be.
Over the last few years, four or five even, these new perspectives, thoughts and priorities have started rolling around in my head. Not fully understanding them, I found them difficult to trust. Was I truly changing or was I simply going through a phase?
While my attitudes and beliefs were shifting, my behavior hasn’t been so quick to catch up. Confused my own incongruence, I started to operate on auto-pilot, doing what I’ve always known, or if I’m being really honest, trying to emulate others, if what they were doing seemed to be working for them.
Being intentional and authentic are two values I’ve held at my core for a long time, yet I’ve been struggling to live this way. I’ve been doing the best I could, but it’s been in the midst of real emotional uncertainty. I think that explains a lot of my inconsistency, my lack of motivation, the lack of passion. There was an incongruence I couldn’t resolve, a lack of intentionality–not because of a lack of desire to be honest and raw, but because I didn’t understanding the truth. I didn’t know what I wanted and therefore my thoughts felt unreliable.
But recently, I’ve come into some clarity and I’m resolved to the fact that yes, I have changed.
It was a slow process, a shifting involving slight alterations here and there. But when I settle in my thoughts, I can accept the truth. I’m finally writing this post today, because I owe you, my friends and readers, an apology. I owe myself an apology.
I crave a depth of life that can only spring from a purpose or story that is greater than myself and my circumstances. I desire a rich real life, not a glamorized public facade. And in the interest of art, storytelling, and connection, I will continue to document my personal journey here on Modern Eve. While I’ll be continuing to post across the same general genres of content, I hope to do so in a more meaningful, inspiring and connected way.
The great thing about being lost is that you can always be found. I’m really looking forward to the journey of finding myself once again. I’d love to invite you come along.
I crave a depth of life that can only spring from a purpose or story that is greater than myself and my circumstances.