Can you answer those questions?
I’m feeling less and less able.
I’m realizing things in my world have been a lot less intentional recently. I’ve been impulsive, competitive and reactionary. None of these things I want to be. I feel as though both personally and professionally, including here on Modern Eve, I’ve been floating aimlessly. I’ve been going through “the motions”, but whose motions I’m not sure. Whose standards am I setting? What target am I after? I’m terrified and embarrassed to admit that I’m not sure.
The truth is that I’ve been really saddened, at times even disgusted, with some things in the world (the blogging one and my real life) recently. My disgust seems harsh considering the things that bother me most are not glaring. They’re subtle. They would be easy to ignore; and probably are by most. They’re quick, seeming harmless remarks, often masked in humor. As lighthearted as their deliverer may intend, they’re comments wrapped in materialism, elitism and entitlement. They divide. They create “lessers”. Haves and have-nots. The cool and uncool.
Maybe most people wouldn’t take a second blink. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but something inside me is unsettled. And I’m so uneasy because I’m scared I’m no different. I believe that I am. I know that I desire to be. But, as I previously mentioned, I have not taken the time or made it the priority to be intentional and grounded. I’m basically floating around. And I’m not sure I like the direction of the wind.
Suffice to say, I need some gravity. I need to anchor myself, my life, by answering some serious questions. Questions that don’t have an easy answer. But answers that I trust will bring healing, health and love.
I share these thoughts today for two reasons. First, I need to apologize to you, my readers. I am sorry for my lack of care and commitment to pursuing authenticity, vulnerability and quality on this blog. And if I have ever made you feel inadequate or foolish, I ask for your forgiveness. Please don’t let me do that. Ever. Second, this post serves as a minor reset for Modern Eve, the public and edited version of my life. Expect things to change slightly around here. I’m clarifying my mission and hoping to be more mindful, more honest… more myself. As the author of a blog about fashion, interiors, trends and design, I desire to connect and inspire in a way that is genuine and uniquely mine. I guess I’ll need to answer those two questions then, huh?
// Photography by Vanessa Jackman